Archive | October 2012

Got Milk?

Lots, actually.

A 28-year-old North Texas mom has just been awarded the Guinness World Record for “Cow of the Year” “Most Breast Milk Donated.” The looker was also certified by Guinness as a MILK (Mothers I’d Like to Know).

Alicia Richman managed to pump over 86 gallons of milk from June 2011 to March 2012, shortly after her son was born, besting the previous record by an astounding 23 gallons. “I pumped at work, on vacations, in the car. And I never had to buy formula” said the first-time mother. The milk, stored initially in two freezers, was donated to the Mothers’ Milk Bank of North Texas, a nonprofit that collects donations for critically ill and premature infants in need.

It seems she doesn’t know when to stop, does she?

So, how would you know that it’s probably time to wean your son? (credits to Wikipedia):

10. Child can now open your blouse and expertly unhook your bra by himself.

9. The kid starts burping up silicone.

8. Child has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.

7. The little one keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.

6. Child demands that you express for his cafe latte.

5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.

4. After each session, you both have a smoke.

3. Child invites his friends over for dinner.

2. Your child’s voice is lower than yours.

1. Beard abrasions on boobs.

In related news, Malacanang Palace vehemently denies rumors (fanned by his wearing a right wrist brace) that President Aquino has been going for the Guinness record by donating regularly to the Bachelor’s Sperm Bank of North Manila.

Advertisements

Apple releases Ipad Mini

It is probably the worst-kept secret in Apple history. Everybody with an Internet connection not only knew that the Ipad Mini was coming, but can even rattle off the spec list as early as months ago. Gone were the days when Steve Jobs blew everybody’s mind with highly secretive new product innovations (remember the original iPhone, MacBook Air, and iPad intros?)

Apple’s senior vice president of product marketing, Philip Schiller (photo above), had to resort to hyperbole when he introduced the smaller iPad version in San Jose, California. He kept repeating how thin and comfortable the device was, as if he was talking about a, you know, a feminine napkin. Actually, the snickering started a couple of years back when Jobs went with the name iPad. With the release of the Mini, some tech pundits have started calling the original iPad the iPad Maxi. You use the Mini during your light data flow days.

My guess for the next Apple tablet innovation is, what else, the iPad – With Wings!

It is highly absorbent, and the wings will protect your device, in case you spill your latte on it. The moisture lock feature will also keep out rain and humidity. Aside from the wings, the extra-long battery life will provide greater freedom for the user to engage in an active and sporty lifestyle. Cycling, horseback riding, tennis, or swimming anyone?

iPad With Wings. Starts at $450 for the 16GB wi-fi only version. Will come in colors white and blue. I doubt very much if they will release a red version.

If that is too much money for you, there is a Pinoy version that looks similar, runs on Android and costs only half as much. The only catch is the name – iPasador.

LA County to vote on “Condoms in Porn” measure

Just to show that some Americans spend have too much time with in their hands, somebody came up with Ballot Measure B, which would require porn actors to wear condoms on set. Reaction was far from flaccid. Reports say that double the minimum number of signatures were gathered in order to put the measure to a vote. Supporters and detractors of the bill engaged in heated oral arguments.

Mouthing slogans like “No on B” and “Keep government out of my panties,” a sizable group of female porn workers gathered at a bar in Los Angeles County to protest the measure. As the joke goes, if they were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.

Workers in the adult film industry are going through great lengths to make their feelings known. The measure is arousing the ire, and getting a rise out of porn stars like James Deen and Jessica Drake (in photo above holding No on B poster), who starred in a satirical anti-Measure B advertisement. The video showed Deen and Drake depicting what porn would be like if the measure passed, with the actors wearing safety goggles and protective headgear while getting down to business.

measure b drake deen

Measure B could screw the industry financially. After some industry-related HIV infections in 1998, a “condom required” regulation was passed, which resulted in a 30% drop in porn industry revenues. Not surprisingly, the regulation was subsequently rescinded. Like an STD, responsibility for the measure was being passed on. AIDS Healthcare Foundation, which is heading the pro-condom movement, had the expected wooden response of the measure being necessary to protect the health and well-being of the actors.

One result of the measure is the hiring of new health inspectors, whose sole job would be to watch porn, while shooting live. On location. Potential applicants have already signed up, asking the county “What’s the catch?”

Porn is a billion-dollar industry in California, and employs as many as 10,000 people. Producers have threatened to pull it out of the state if the measure passed, as neighboring states have been flirting with the industry with come-ons such as providing tax breaks and erecting necessary infrastructure. California’s softening economy certainly needs the pumping up it gets from XXX videos.

Some in the industry feel that the government was shoving the measure down its throat. “You can’t force an industry to make products that the market doesn’t want,” moaned one producer.

Protests are expected to climax on October 21, the last day for voter registration, while voting is scheduled for November.

There you go, 20 or so double entendres.

Joey de Leon – Willie Revillame reconcile, again

Joey de Leon got a big surprise on his 66th birthday when rival host Willie Revillame showed up to greet him during the live show Startalk.

The two have been feuding on and off the air for several years when one unfortunate comment after another kept escalating the word war to new heights. They tried to bury the hatchet, so to speak when they met at an awards show in 2008, but the trash talking continued a few days after that event, and they have never met in person since. There is no truth to the rumor that Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak had anything to do with the reconciliation.

On the political front, there is interesting news on the Senator Juan Ponce Enrile and Antonio Trillanes feud. The two senators have apparently decided to bury the hatchet, in each other’s backs.

No punch line needed. Frenchwoman charged with 17-digit euro phone bill!

Having a hard time paying your cellular telephone bills? You have nothing on this Frenchwoman. Solenne San Jose, from the Bordeaux region in France, claimed she almost had a heart attack when she saw her telephone bill amounting to €11,721,000,000,000,000.

“There were so many zeroes I couldn’t even work out how much it was,” she told newsmen. Apparently, the news agencies around the world couldn’t either. Yahoo! News, The Christian Post, and International Business News headlined it as 11.7 trillion. Most of the other news sources correctly stated it as quadrillion.

Bouygues Telecom initially scared the shit out of her failed to mitigate her concerns, by allowing her to pay in installments. Ilang gives kaya ito? The customer service employee claimed that the company could not amend the bill, or prevent the automatic debit arrangement with San Jose’s bank account.

I understand how some multi-billion euro utility company can screw up big-time. Our own electricity (Meralco) and water (Maynilad) companies have been screwing Philippine consumers with various miscellaneous fees that are completely meaningless for the average person. Or, as one Ted Failon interview showed, even to the company executives.

I was supposed to make up with list of bogus charges as a joke, but had an extremely difficult time thinking of items that can beat these Meralco and Maynilad “masterpieces”:

1. Environmental fund

2. Missionary charge

3. NPC stranded debts

4. NPC stranded contract costs

5. DUs stranded contract costs

6. Foreign Currency Differential Adjustments

7. Environmental charge

8. Maintenance service charge

These are on top of the basic generation, transmission, distribution, subsidy and system loss charges. System loss charge basically means that squatter colonies can steal electricity and Meralco couldn’t care less because the rest of the customers are going to pay for it anyway. Oh well.

More party list news

The COMELEC disqualified 13 more party list groups from joining the 2013 elections, including existing ones such as Ako Bicol Party. The accreditation of “Ang Galing Pinoy,” represented by Mikey Arroyo, son of former president Gloria Arroyo, was removed months ago when the COMELEC found that “Galing” was pronounced with the accent on the first syllable, rather than the second (thus giving the name of the party a whiff of corruption).

Senators Lito Lapid and Antonio Trillanes announced that they are forming a party list group in time for the elections next year. When asked by reporters what the advocacy of the group will be, Trillanes said that it will represent the low-IQ segment of the population. “Idiots, imbeciles, and morons have as much right to be elected to Congress as anybody!” thundered Trillanes. The party list motto was said to be “Wala lang.” Senator Lapid, as usual, had no comment on the matter.

The two senators discovered that the names of the party lists will be arranged in alphanumeric order in the ballot. Trying to game the system, they initially registered their group as 0-UTAK (Ugnayan ng mga Tanga sa Kongreso). But existing party list organization 1-UTAK (United Transport Koalisyon) vehemently complained to the COMELEC, saying “Hoy nauna na kami sa gimmick na yan.” In a stroke of genius, Trillanes and Lapid changed the name to 0-ALAM (Alyansa Laban sa Matatalino), putting it even higher up the ballot list. They have not decided yet as to who will represent the party in the elections.

In case you’re not sure, 1-UTAK is pronounced as Isang UTAK, while the proper pronunciation of the Trillanes-Lapid party list names are Walang UTAK and Walang ALAM, respectively. The COMELEC is expected to deny the application of 0-ALAM because the sector is already overrepresented as it is in Congress.

Presidential braces

Former president Gloria Arroyo was again confined at the Veterans Memorial Medical Center after suffering from weakness, dehydration, low blood potassium level, and aversion to jail. She was seen strolling the hospital grounds wearing nothing but a duster (loose house clothes). After spotting news reporters, she went back to her room then came out sporting a neck brace. Another instance of “now you see it, now you don’t.”

(Above photo is from a prior admission).

Speaking of braces, President Benigno Aquino was seen wearing a wrist brace on his right hand during reception ceremonies for the peace panel between the government and the MILF. The bachelor president has been complaining of pain and soreness in his right hand and arm for weeks now.

Palace officials tried to provide various explanations for the injury, from helping out in recent disaster relief efforts, to his hobby of pistol shooting. Every single guy, however, knows that it’s high time the president gets a new girlfriend.

So that he can stop manipulating his XBox controller (what were you thinking?).

%d bloggers like this: