Archive | November 2012

If this is ObamaCare, kiss my ass


A woman in a restaurant chokes on a piece of meat. A doctor in the next table sees the woman clutching her throat, in obvious distress. The doctor asks the woman to stand, raises her skirt, and then pulls her panties down. He proceeds to lick her butt cheek. The woman is so shocked that her diaphragm goes into a violent spasm, and dislodges the piece of meat from her throat. “Thank you for saving my life,” she tells the doctor, “but what the hell was that thing you did?” The doctor replies, “It’s called the Hind Lick Maneuver.”


Here’s a story you can really sink your teeth into.

John Collazos, 47, a Colombian immigrant in Davie, Florida, has been practicing dentistry without a license, which is classified as a misdemeanor in the state. He has set up what appears to be legitimate dentistry equipment in a warehouse clinic.

A woman patient complained to police that the quack acted inappropriately when she consulted for toothache. Collazos apparently applied a paste to her gums, which didn’t work. He then proceeded to inject a medicine in her buttocks. The woman claimed that the fake dentist then kissed her butt and touched her genitalia. A raid was made on the “clinic” and Collazos was arrested by the town’s SWAT team in a nearby parking lot.

Sounds like Collazos was looking to get to the bottom of the woman’s dental problems. Before the injection, did he reassure her that she would just feel a little prick? Maybe Collazos wanted to fill her cavity. But his tongue-in-cheek approach is expected to be the butt of jokes. In fact, they almost write themselves.

Personally, I am completely outraged by the shenanigans shown here. You mean to tell me, the police sent a SWAT team to take care of a misdemeanor? Talk about wasting tax money.


Fathers of the Bride

Will you Mario me?

A Central Iowa couple are planning a Mario-themed wedding inspired by the popular ’80s video game. Bobbi VanZante and Elijah Slagter have been collecting appropriate props like coins, mushrooms, and even a castle. VanZante relates to a TV news agency that “We both grew up doing Mario, playing the Mario games and just something for our generation, and we wanted to do something different.”

What does the bride’s father think of all these? Well, he is actually walking her down the aisle dressed as Bowser.  “It’s kind of part of the game”, VanZante said. “Bowser steals, and all of his buddies steal Princess Peach. At the wedding, Bowser is finally giving Princess Peach to Mario, like my dad will at the wedding.”

Can’t get any more meaningful and symbolic than that. We are teary-eyed. Good thing they weren’t “Angry Birds” addicts.


Teen Sleepover Leads to Wedding

Nur Fazira Saad, 12, and Fahmi Alias, 19, married last week in northern Malaysia after the girl’s father and a Syariah court gave their approval for the wedding. Nur Fazira, had just stopped schooling after sitting for her Primary School Evaluation Test last year.

“It is better for them to get married rather than doing something improper,” said Saad Mustafa, the girl’s father, after Nur Fazira spent the night with her boyfriend. Which is a bit like saying that a murder can be avoided by giving the prospective victim a death certificate beforehand.


HK Tycoon Offers $65 Million as Dowry for Lesbian Daughter

Hong Kong property magnate Cecil Chao Sze-tsung, unaware that his daughter is gay, has offered $65 million to the man who can win her heart. He said the money could be used to start a business.

The offer seems to be in response to his 33-year-old daughter, Gigi, having “a church blessing in Paris” with her girlfriend of seven years.

In subsequent interviews, Gigi says she is touched and amused by his proposal. She is said to be offering $1 million to anyone who can explain to her father what a lesbian is.

Survey: Filipinos most emotional, Singaporeans the least

Former Singaporean prime minister Goh Chok Tong commented some years back that he wished Singaporeans could sing more like Filipinos, apparently referring to his people’s lack of emotion. And now we have the statistical data to back up that perception.

A Gallup poll conducted the past three years showed that Filipinos are the most emotional people in the world. And wealthy Singapore is at the bottom of the list. Using telephone and face-to-face interviews, 1,000 adults per year in 150 countries were asked if they experienced any of five positive and five negative emotions the previous day. Six out of 10 Pinoys said they did, making the Philippines the most emotional place on Earth. A smattering of Middle East and Latin American countries came next. On the other hand, only 36% of the stoic Singaporeans admitted to experiencing any emotion. The tiny Asian state narrowly beat out half the (vodka-anesthetized) republics of the former USSR.

Gallup partner and director of the Gallup Government Group Jon Clifton said, “If you measure Singapore by the traditional indicators, they look like one of the best-run countries in the world. But if you look at everything that makes life worth living, they’re not doing so well.”

As expected, reaction to the survey results was mixed. Reports showed that most Filipinos were ecstatic; some even cried with joy at the news. The vast majority of Singaporeans, however, said they didn’t feel anything, or were not affected at all.


Sinottong mga Kano

Reference notes for Senator Tito Sotto. Excerpts from famous American speeches plagiarized machine-translated (sort of). Thank you Google Translate!

Ronald Reagan

Pangkalahatang Kalihim Gorbachev, kung humingi ka ng kapayapaan, kung humingi ka ng kasaganaan para sa Sobiyet Union at Silangang Europa, kung humingi ka ng liberalisasyon: Halika dito sa tarangkahan na ito.
Ginoong Gorbachev, buksan ang tarangkahan.
Ginoong Gorbachev, pilasin ang pader na ito!

Abraham Lincoln

Apat na puntos at pitong taon na ang nakakaraan, ang aming mga ama ay nagdala sa kontinente na ito, ng isang bagong bansa, binuo sa kalayaan at nakatuon sa panukala na “lahat ng tao ay nilikha ng pantay-pantay.”

General Douglas MacArthur

Ang mundo ay nakaikot na ng maraming beses mula ng nanumpa ako sa kapatagan sa West Point, at ang pag-asa at mga pangarap ay matagal ng nawala, ngunit naaalala ko pa rin ang sikat na mga kanta sa kubo nung panahon na iyon kung saan prinoklama na “ang lumang mga sundalo ay hindi kailanman mamamatay; sila lang ay maglaho.”

Martin Luther King

Mayroon akong isang panaginip na isang araw ang bansa na ito ay babangon pataas at mabuhay ang tunay na kahulugan ng kanyang pananampalataya.

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Una sa lahat hayaan ninyo akong igiit ang aking matinding paniniwala na ang tanging bagay na kinatatakutan natin … ay takot mismo … hindi mailarawan, hindi mangatuwiran, hindi mapatotohanan na takot na malumpo ang kinakailangan pagsisikap upang ipalit ang paatras sa pagsulong.

Extreme parachuting (wear)

An Austrian daredevil (No, not Schwarzenegger) made it to the record books a month ago by jumping from a balloon hovering in literally the edge of space.

Felix Baumgartner, 43, broke the sound barrier (travelling at 833.9 miles per hour) during free fall. He also simultaneously broke the world records for highest free fall (128,100 feet) and highest balloon flight. Baumgartner is the first man to exceed the speed of sound in free fall, doing it exactly 65 years after Chuck Yeager became the first man to break the sound barrier in a rocket-powered airplane. The adrenaline junkie also holds records for BASE jumping, setting them in the skyscrapers of Asia. He continued his jump despite problems with the visor in his hi-tech spacesuit.

Not to be outdone, a Cape Town, South Africa gym manager jumped in freezing weather a few days ago, wearing nothing but his parachute. Steven Newman, 29, kept a promise he made to skydive naked if he can raise at least $10,000 for a charity to save rhinos from poachers.

Unlike the highly-suited-up Baumgartner, who had to contend with significant decompression and possible death, Newman only had to worry about significant shrinkage. “At [10 degrees Fahrenheit], I don’t think your winky is the biggest in the whole world,” he said, when he guested in the TV show ‘Right This Minute.’  “The last thing, at 10-12,000 feet, that you’re thinking about is your penis.”

Speak for yourself, his instructor was probably thinking (Newman tandem-jumped). The instructor claimed that he felt some poking in the back, hoping that it was the harness and not Newman being “excited” to be saving rhinos.

Why Obama won

US President Barack Obama was re-elected to another four-year term, beating Mitt Romney in the popular and electoral votes. And we know why.

Obama endorsers:

Scarlett Johansson (at the Democratic National Convention)

Eva Longoria (Re-election Committee Co-Chair)

Beyonce (in Obama campaign ad)

George Clooney (enough said)

What about the Republicans?

Romney endorsers:

Clint Eastwood (talking to an empty chair during the Republican convention)

Chuck Norris (enough said)

I am Curious (But Yellow)

In NASA’s first astrobiology mission since the 1970s, proof of life is being sought in the arid Martian atmosphere.

The Mars rover Curiosity, currently in Gale Crater, has been sniffing around for methane gas in the atmosphere. So far, it hasn’t picked up any (it is sensitive enough to measure 5 parts per billion of the gas) even though methane was detected by space- and Earth-based instruments in 2003.

The NASA Curiosity mission is being undertaken to determine if Mars previously had the chemical and environmental conditions to support life. Curiosity scientist Laurie Leshin of the Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in Troy, New York said that the present Martian atmosphere could give clues as to what has been going on during the planet’s entire history. The preliminary results of the tests seem to suggest that over time, significant portions of the atmosphere have dissipated to space.

Methane is produced by living organisms. If you have to know, it is the main gaseous component of fart.

In related news, scientists studying the atmosphere in the Philippine Congress building reported that they have detected near-dangerous levels of methane in the air. The considerable amounts of methane may be caused by organisms known as “windbags,” which appear to emit the gas – not just from posterior orifices – but from the anterior as well. After the years-long study, however, they have concluded that there is no evidence of intelligent life in that area of the country.

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