Archive | February 2013

Twin-Twin Situation

A Texan woman had a Valentine’s Day surprise when she gave birth to four boys. Not quadruplets but two sets of twins. Identical at that. Tressa Montalvo, 36, of Houston, said she and husband Manuel, 43, have been going for a brother or sister for firstborn son Memphis for more than two years, but got substantially more than they bargained for.

tressa montalvo

And they’re not stopping until they get a girl, according to Manuel. In a masterpiece of “you don’t have to tell us” news, online news agencies report that all four were born by Caesarean section on the same day. As if it’s likely for some to be delivered vaginally and others by C-section, and on different days at that. Two sets of identical twins happen when ova split twice before implanting in the uterus, and share two placentas.

What are the odds of that?!

Actually, scientists know. The odds of a woman giving birth to non-identical twins are one in 80. Identical twins are bit rarer, with odds of one in every 240 cases. However, two sets of identical twins happen only once every 70 million births. Multiply that by 365 if the birth has to happen on Valentine’s Day.

The lucky couple has named the four boys Ace, Blaine, Cash and Dylan. “We tried to stick to the A-B-C-D theme when naming them,” Tressa Montalvo said in a statement.

In related news, former Philippine president, former actor, now Manila mayoral candidate, and well-known womanizer, Joseph “Erap” Ejercito Estrada has admitted that he has three sets of firstborn sons. That he knows of.

erap estrada

These three sons are Senator Jose “Jinggoy” Ejercito with wife, former First Lady and Senator Luisa Ejercito; congressman Joseph Victor Ejercito with First Mistress (and now San Juan City mayor) Guia Gomez; and Jojo Ejercito with former model Joy Rowena. “We tried to stick to the J-O theme when naming them,” Erap says.

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Happy Balentimes!

A short post to greet you on this day of hearts. Like “Wambol” (One Ball) and “Wampeso” (One Peso), this is how Pinoys greet each other on February 14.

A Social Weather Station (SWS) survey conducted in December 2012, involving 1,200 adults, showed that 54% of Filipinos were happy with their love lives. The other 46% were married.

The SWS poll also showed that 13% of the respondents had no love life to speak of. Some of the married respondents sometimes wish they were one of the 13%.

 

Pope Benedict resigns! Hell freezes over!

Pope Benedict XVI announced that he is resigning as head of the Catholic Church. The 85-year-old pontiff cited age (too much) and physical strength (too little) as the reasons for giving up the papacy.

pope benedict resigns

The news was met with shock and disbelief from the faithful, since popes usually serve until they die (John Paul II), or are killed (John Paul I  – just kidding, lighten up non-conspiracy theorists). The last papal resignation occurred in the 15th century, as the joke goes, when Joseph Ratzinger was still in short pants.

Many leaders of the Vatican hierarchy were caught off guard, with Cardinal Angelo Sodano saying the announcement came “like a lightning bolt in a clear blue sky.” Coincidentally, a photo taken during a rainstorm the night of the announcement (February 11) showed just that (news item).

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In related news, Satan released photos of Hell when Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile, 89, resigned declared the post of senate president vacant during the height of the “Christmas bonus” scandal a few weeks ago.

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enrile resigns

Senator Enrile, is of course, still Senate President at this time. When asked for comment about the Pope’s resignation, JPE reportedly said “Talaga? Bata pa yun ah!” (“Really? But he’s still young!”)

Dog Face

Cats seem to be lording it over the Internet these days, but this dog certainly went viral. Tonik, a Shih Tzu–poodle mix, avoided being put to sleep by having a face that to some, resembles a human.

tonik ay_103134877

Because of his new found fame, Tonik has 350 people willing to pay $250 to adopt him. Homeward Bound (the dog halfway house where Tonik is being kept) owner Jen Schwartz, said that the dog was very reserved and might not be a good fit for families with children. Well, you would be shy too if you were a dog looking like a human.

Or not. This human who is a dog looks like a dog, is a very outgoing and popular child.

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The world’s hairiest girl (as certified by Guinness), 11-year old Supatra Sasuphan, is one of just 50 known sufferers of Ambras Syndrome. Other than thick hair growing on her face, back, arms and legs, the Thai seems like any child her age, enjoying swimming, dancing, TV, and playing with friends.

She is not up for adoption anytime soon.

How to speak English like a Pinoy 3

More Pinoy-Englishisms:

“Represent”

I had to do a double-take the first time I heard this. Instead of saying “Present!” during roll calls, some Pinoys shout “Represent!,” apparently to indicate to everyone within hearing distance that he is not only representing the group being called, but is a total retard creative English speaker to boot.

“Convenient store”

Like the “7-11” stores being set up in every street corner for everyone’s convenience, this phrase is spreading like wildfire, to the utter consternation and inconvenience of grammar teachers nationwide.

“Don’t Get Closed To Me. Get Closed To God”

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Thank God these bumper stickers have all but disappeared. Some grammar Nazi must have seen the deliciously reversed meaning of the error and warned the printer to stop producing these masterpieces of irony. Might be the work of the devil himself.

“Let’s pray for the reposed of the decease”

Because of the excessive use of the past tense when not necessary (see Get Closed To God above), some Pinoys compensate by omitting the “d” when necessary.

“In fairness”

Joins “as if” and “worth it” as the Pinoy phrases that are incomplete, but are often used by themselves. In fairness to the ones using this, it sounds grammatically correct – for like 3 seconds. Typical usage, “Imperness, maganda siya.”

Bin Ladenland

Pakistan is probably among the last countries in the world where Disney will put up one of their parks, so they will have to DIY it if they want a world-class attraction. According to BBC and other news agencies, Abbotabad, site of the Bin Laden compound where the terrorist leader was killed, is building a 500-acre amusement park in a bid to develop tourism. Town officials said the $30 million park will be built near the Himalayan foothills area known for extreme sports like paragliding.

abbotabad

Like the assault mission, things are top secret at this time. Loose lips, however, have leaked some of the theme park’s attractions being planned:

Shooting games
Using automatic assault weapons with real bullets. Shoot down enough of the targets and win a huge stuffed teddy bear or Bin Laden doll. Your choice.

Ferris wheel
Quite unlike the slow and lumbering Ferris Wheels in most parks, this one has the canopy looking like Black Hawk helicopter cabins. Aside from the rapid up and down movement, what’s thrilling about this ride, is that one out of two of the cabins is designed to crash randomly.

Zipline
The one-kilometer zipline will have you whooshing through the air at high speed, in near-total darkness while dodging live ammo, flamethrowers, and exploding anti-personnel grenades.

Cartoon characters
Under the full-body suits, some of these mascots have explosives strapped to their bodies. Suicide bomber style.

Water ride
A full-size mockup of the USS Cole is the main lure of the ride. Get yourself totally wet while you try to carry out the mission of blowing up the submarine.

Roller coaster
Even grown men will be screaming like little girls when they ride the theme park’s main attraction. The coaster is designed to look like an airplane cabin, takes twists and turns like it was being flown by amateur pilots, and then ends abruptly in what looks like the façade of the World Trade Center twin towers.

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