Archive | March 2013

Windows Pro (phylactic)

Software billionaire and philanthropist Bill Gates just issued his latest “Grand Challenge.” Create the next generation condom and win $100,000 start up money.

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Don’t hold your breath for the punch line. There isn’t any as this challenge is genuine. Bewailing the lack of innovation since latex condoms were introduced about 50 years ago, the Gates’ foundation could offer as much as $1 million in further funding to the innovation “that significantly preserves or enhances pleasure, in order to improve uptake and regular use.”

Good luck with that.

In the meantime, here are some actual bleeding-edge condom designs:

 

Formal wear condom

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What pretentious men would probably want to wear. Using it could make one feel like James Bond.

 

Edible condom

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There are already flavored condoms. And edible panties. So it doesn’t really take a quantum leap of intelligence to come up with an edible condom. No need to throw the thing in the trash after use.

 

Whole body condom

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For the ultimate in safe sex. Protects you not only against HIV, but also against mononucleosis, hepatitis, and even the common cold.

 

Spray-on condom

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This may be what Gates’ had in mind when they issued the challenge for the next gen, high tech prophylactic. Specially useful when you are unusually “oversized.”

 

Junior-sized condom

On the other side of the size spectrum are a couple of contenders.

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Probably designed for Japanese and other Asians.

Or young sacristans/church-goers being molested by priests and bishops. The kids may be emotionally scarred for the rest of their lives but at least the condoms guarantee that they are HIV-free.

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It Aint’ Easy Being Green

According to Yahoo! News, a couple living in the small European country of Jersey (sic), married in a Shrek-themed wedding, green makeup and all.

And I was like “What? There is a European country named Jersey?”

Paul Bellas, 42, and Heidi Bellas, 30, got the idea while watching the movie with their son.

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“The essence is that Shrek represents true love. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you look like, if the love is there then that is what it is about,” says Paul.

I don’t know. I think you should say something like that only when you’re good-looking. Definitely not when you look like an emaciated/anorexic Shrek:

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Or when you already look like Fiona (without the green skin) to begin with:

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They should be thankful that their son Leo doesn’t look like either of them:

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Registrar Sue Groves said: “I had to see them before the got their make-up applied as I can’t marry people who aren’t recognisable.” She claims to have carried out many novelty weddings in her time.

Yes, I know. There are weirder things going on in New Jersey, but the couple is from Jersey (off the British Isles), which is arguably an independent state. They probably should have just named the place Far, Far Away.

Hand Job

Ok, this one leaves me aghast, and I don’t know where to start. Talk about a guy with balls, and apparently nothing else.

Andrew Wardle, 39-year-old male, from Manchester, Britain, was born without a johnson or a willy. And he’s letting the whole world know about it. In doctor-speak he has “penile agenesis” a condition that apparently affects only 1 in 20 million men, or (I already did the math) less than 200 poor souls world-wide.

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In an extremely rare and complicated three-part operation, a flap of skin from his forearm, with its blood vessels and nerves, will be folded into a tube and grafted into the pubic area.

According to The Sun, “his surgeons must build from scratch a new penis that can pass urine, have feeling, make sex possible and look natural too.” See the illustration from The Sun:

andrew wardle arm flap penis

Natural looking? Only if your penis looks like a roll of duct tape, or medical bandage.

Actually, he’s had several surgeries since infancy. That’s not surprising since penile agenesis is associated with other medical conditions like bladder exstrophy (his urine bag is hanging out of his body, go figure). What’s surprising is this picture of Andrew as a child.

andrew wardle child

Is that his sister’s hand over his crotch?

When it dawned on him how different he was, he turned to drugs like ecstasy and LSD as a coping mechanism. He said: “By taking drugs I gave myself the perfect cover. I’d bed girls but said things could only go so far because the drugs meant I couldn’t rise to the occasion.”

Wait a sec. Bed girls? (Aghast face) Actually, Andrew boasts that he has slept with about 100 women. And he say’s 20% of the women know of his, uh, deficiency. The other 80% were presumably too drunk or stoned to care.

How did he manage to bed all those girls when most men with complete anatomies don’t even come close to sleeping with a hundred women in their lifetime? Unapologetically, he claims it’s due to a combination of good looks, charm, and the gift of gab. So, as you probably suspected all along, a good tongue will make most women happy.

There you go. Andrew Wardle, the very definition of chutzpah.

This is one guy whose arm I’d like to shake, or on second thought, I’ll just salute him, thank you.

Eagle Cybersex

In the movie “Continental Divide” a big city reporter (played by the late John Belushi) was trying to woo an eagle researcher (played by Blair Brown) by describing the mating rituals of the bald eagle while in flight in sexy, romantic detail.

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With the magic of the Internet, eagle voyeurs will now be able to view two Philippine Eagles (a highly endangered specie, formerly known as the monkey-eating eagle) getting it on, 24/7. Yeah baby!

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A livestreaming project was launched today in Davao by the Philippine Eagle Foundation (PEF), in partnership with a local telecom provider and Ustream.tv

According to the PEF, the eagles are an “active breeding pair that hopefully will be able to produce an offspring during the 2013 breeding season.” Dennis Salvador, PEF executive director, said, “With this, we will be able to raise public awareness and this is the best time for our own specie to be known worldwide,” hopefully referring to the eagles.

In tech-speak “the streaming uses a pan–tilt–zoom (PTZ) camera that is capable of remote directional and zoom control, controller, microphone, and computer to capture, process, and unicast video stream to a service provider who broadcasts it across the internet,” said the telecom provider. In zoophile-speak this translates to “good eagle porn.” Voyeurs not only get to see eagle parts in action up close, they get to hear all the moans and groans too!

In related news, celebrity psychiatrist Randy Dellosa cautioned that the male eagle might develop performance anxiety if he finds out that the mating sessions are being shown live on the Internet. Also, photos of eagles doing it doggie-style were released by scientists today.

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