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It Aint’ Easy Being Green

According to Yahoo! News, a couple living in the small European country of Jersey (sic), married in a Shrek-themed wedding, green makeup and all.

And I was like “What? There is a European country named Jersey?”

Paul Bellas, 42, and Heidi Bellas, 30, got the idea while watching the movie with their son.

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“The essence is that Shrek represents true love. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you look like, if the love is there then that is what it is about,” says Paul.

I don’t know. I think you should say something like that only when you’re good-looking. Definitely not when you look like an emaciated/anorexic Shrek:

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Or when you already look like Fiona (without the green skin) to begin with:

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They should be thankful that their son Leo doesn’t look like either of them:

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Registrar Sue Groves said: “I had to see them before the got their make-up applied as I can’t marry people who aren’t recognisable.” She claims to have carried out many novelty weddings in her time.

Yes, I know. There are weirder things going on in New Jersey, but the couple is from Jersey (off the British Isles), which is arguably an independent state. They probably should have just named the place Far, Far Away.

Eagle Cybersex

In the movie “Continental Divide” a big city reporter (played by the late John Belushi) was trying to woo an eagle researcher (played by Blair Brown) by describing the mating rituals of the bald eagle while in flight in sexy, romantic detail.

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With the magic of the Internet, eagle voyeurs will now be able to view two Philippine Eagles (a highly endangered specie, formerly known as the monkey-eating eagle) getting it on, 24/7. Yeah baby!

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A livestreaming project was launched today in Davao by the Philippine Eagle Foundation (PEF), in partnership with a local telecom provider and Ustream.tv

According to the PEF, the eagles are an “active breeding pair that hopefully will be able to produce an offspring during the 2013 breeding season.” Dennis Salvador, PEF executive director, said, “With this, we will be able to raise public awareness and this is the best time for our own specie to be known worldwide,” hopefully referring to the eagles.

In tech-speak “the streaming uses a pan–tilt–zoom (PTZ) camera that is capable of remote directional and zoom control, controller, microphone, and computer to capture, process, and unicast video stream to a service provider who broadcasts it across the internet,” said the telecom provider. In zoophile-speak this translates to “good eagle porn.” Voyeurs not only get to see eagle parts in action up close, they get to hear all the moans and groans too!

In related news, celebrity psychiatrist Randy Dellosa cautioned that the male eagle might develop performance anxiety if he finds out that the mating sessions are being shown live on the Internet. Also, photos of eagles doing it doggie-style were released by scientists today.

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Happy Balentimes!

A short post to greet you on this day of hearts. Like “Wambol” (One Ball) and “Wampeso” (One Peso), this is how Pinoys greet each other on February 14.

A Social Weather Station (SWS) survey conducted in December 2012, involving 1,200 adults, showed that 54% of Filipinos were happy with their love lives. The other 46% were married.

The SWS poll also showed that 13% of the respondents had no love life to speak of. Some of the married respondents sometimes wish they were one of the 13%.

 

Bin Ladenland

Pakistan is probably among the last countries in the world where Disney will put up one of their parks, so they will have to DIY it if they want a world-class attraction. According to BBC and other news agencies, Abbotabad, site of the Bin Laden compound where the terrorist leader was killed, is building a 500-acre amusement park in a bid to develop tourism. Town officials said the $30 million park will be built near the Himalayan foothills area known for extreme sports like paragliding.

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Like the assault mission, things are top secret at this time. Loose lips, however, have leaked some of the theme park’s attractions being planned:

Shooting games
Using automatic assault weapons with real bullets. Shoot down enough of the targets and win a huge stuffed teddy bear or Bin Laden doll. Your choice.

Ferris wheel
Quite unlike the slow and lumbering Ferris Wheels in most parks, this one has the canopy looking like Black Hawk helicopter cabins. Aside from the rapid up and down movement, what’s thrilling about this ride, is that one out of two of the cabins is designed to crash randomly.

Zipline
The one-kilometer zipline will have you whooshing through the air at high speed, in near-total darkness while dodging live ammo, flamethrowers, and exploding anti-personnel grenades.

Cartoon characters
Under the full-body suits, some of these mascots have explosives strapped to their bodies. Suicide bomber style.

Water ride
A full-size mockup of the USS Cole is the main lure of the ride. Get yourself totally wet while you try to carry out the mission of blowing up the submarine.

Roller coaster
Even grown men will be screaming like little girls when they ride the theme park’s main attraction. The coaster is designed to look like an airplane cabin, takes twists and turns like it was being flown by amateur pilots, and then ends abruptly in what looks like the façade of the World Trade Center twin towers.

A Gathering of Old Men (and New Year’s Eve milestones)

He survived the Mayan calendar changeover, but died on the Gregorian calendar New Year’s Eve. Fr. James B. Reuter, “The Great Communicator” and honorary Filipino (he was an American Jesuit), passed away at the age of 96 from stroke complications. Fr. Reuter is best known for his multimedia (TV, radio, theater and print) work. He had a hand in running the underground radio station “Radyo Bandido” during the last dark days of the Marcos regime. For his lifetime of work he has been given many prestigious awards.

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Sr. Sarah Manapol said she sang “Mary’s Child Forever” to him as he lay in his deathbed. Even when the nuns taking care of him thought he was unconscious, Reuter was said to have joined them one last time in their singing. During interviews with the press Manapol said, “I was singing to him… Mary’s child forever … forever Mary’s child … He was listening so beautifully. We became teary-eyed.”

Speaking of old men and New Year’s Eve milestones, it took two tries but Hugh Hefner, 86, is starting 2013 a married man. He wed his 26-year-old “runaway bride” Crystal Harris at a private ceremony in the Playboy mansion in Los Angeles. They were supposed to marry in 2011 but Crystal was not clear about the whole thing and broke off the engagement just days before the ceremony.

The 60-year age gap spawned the usual jokes: “He married her for her money,” “she married him for the sex,” etc. Comedian Ricky Gervais calls Hefner one of “The Walking Dead.” I call him a “walking Viagra commercial.”

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Hefner shed his iconic pajamas and wore a tuxedo for the short wedding rites, and forced the poor puppy to do the same.
There is no truth to the rumor that Harris sings “If You Leave Me Now” and “Time to Say Goodbye” to Hefner every night in their bed.

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Miss Philippines is back-up Miss Universe 2012. Twitter goes wild!

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Fresh from her first runner-up finish in the annual meat show called the Miss Universe beauty pageant, Miss Philippines Janine Tugonon returns to a hero’s welcome in Manila just before Christmas eve.

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Just imagine the adulation if she actually won the contest. Evidently, her famous “cobra walk” and answer during the interview portion was just short of worthy for the judges.

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The near win, the first in 13 years after Miriam Quiambao in 1999, led to some nasty bashing of the winner Miss USA Olivia Culpo. Fashionistas had a field day criticizing the poor girl’s gown. Others had something snarky to say about her height (or lack thereof), finesse (or lack thereof) and mediocre response to the judge’s question.

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And as a sad note on the state of journalism in the Philippines, these Twitter posts on Janine’s loss were unbelievably recycled into news. An entire news article  consisted entirely of jock tweets, by athletes I’ve never even heard of, and should probably have been kept anonymous. Examples follow:

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“Through her off?” “Put Philippines on your back & represented?” Unless it’s a joke, who freaking cares what these retards (even including a suspended basketball player) think? Are they beauty experts and their opinions now qualify as news?

Well, considering that I saw at least three grammatical errors in one article alone written by a journalist (Manila Bulletin, what else), maybe they really ought to just limit their reporting to Twitter posts:

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During her arrival press conference in Manila, Janine said that she “left everything to God.” Maybe if she made a pact instead with the devil, or with Miss Universe owner Donald Trump, or as some Trump haters would say “same difference,” she might actually have won.

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The governor of Bataan province, where she hails from, will host a ticker tape parade for her. As the racist gov says, “Bataan can very well compete with other races when it comes to beauty, brains, and strength of character.”

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We hear you gov. The Bataan race can definitely kick the Manila or Cebu races’ ass anytime.

Pacquiao votes “No” on RH Bill

Philippine boxing idol and occasional congressman Manny “Pacman” Pacquiao rushed to the Philippine Congress to vote no to the controversial Reproductive Health bill, which promotes contraceptive use for family planning.

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Front page headline:

“Pacman votes no even if he’s no longer Catholic”

Like the Catholic Mexicans he has been beating to a pulp the past several years, Pacquiao used to wear a rosary and make the sign of the cross during fights. He stopped doing these when he joined a Christian Evangelical group, which are generally supportive of the RH bill. Fans (specially his furious mother Dionisia) blame his religious conversion for his back-to-back losses to Tim Bradley and Juan Manuel Marquez.

Meanwhile in the Sports page headline on the same day (no kidding, Philippine Daily Inquirer 12/14/2012):

“Pacquiao to undergo brain analysis”

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