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Windows Pro (phylactic)

Software billionaire and philanthropist Bill Gates just issued his latest “Grand Challenge.” Create the next generation condom and win $100,000 start up money.

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Don’t hold your breath for the punch line. There isn’t any as this challenge is genuine. Bewailing the lack of innovation since latex condoms were introduced about 50 years ago, the Gates’ foundation could offer as much as $1 million in further funding to the innovation “that significantly preserves or enhances pleasure, in order to improve uptake and regular use.”

Good luck with that.

In the meantime, here are some actual bleeding-edge condom designs:

 

Formal wear condom

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What pretentious men would probably want to wear. Using it could make one feel like James Bond.

 

Edible condom

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There are already flavored condoms. And edible panties. So it doesn’t really take a quantum leap of intelligence to come up with an edible condom. No need to throw the thing in the trash after use.

 

Whole body condom

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For the ultimate in safe sex. Protects you not only against HIV, but also against mononucleosis, hepatitis, and even the common cold.

 

Spray-on condom

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This may be what Gates’ had in mind when they issued the challenge for the next gen, high tech prophylactic. Specially useful when you are unusually “oversized.”

 

Junior-sized condom

On the other side of the size spectrum are a couple of contenders.

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Probably designed for Japanese and other Asians.

Or young sacristans/church-goers being molested by priests and bishops. The kids may be emotionally scarred for the rest of their lives but at least the condoms guarantee that they are HIV-free.

Hand Job

Ok, this one leaves me aghast, and I don’t know where to start. Talk about a guy with balls, and apparently nothing else.

Andrew Wardle, 39-year-old male, from Manchester, Britain, was born without a johnson or a willy. And he’s letting the whole world know about it. In doctor-speak he has “penile agenesis” a condition that apparently affects only 1 in 20 million men, or (I already did the math) less than 200 poor souls world-wide.

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In an extremely rare and complicated three-part operation, a flap of skin from his forearm, with its blood vessels and nerves, will be folded into a tube and grafted into the pubic area.

According to The Sun, “his surgeons must build from scratch a new penis that can pass urine, have feeling, make sex possible and look natural too.” See the illustration from The Sun:

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Natural looking? Only if your penis looks like a roll of duct tape, or medical bandage.

Actually, he’s had several surgeries since infancy. That’s not surprising since penile agenesis is associated with other medical conditions like bladder exstrophy (his urine bag is hanging out of his body, go figure). What’s surprising is this picture of Andrew as a child.

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Is that his sister’s hand over his crotch?

When it dawned on him how different he was, he turned to drugs like ecstasy and LSD as a coping mechanism. He said: “By taking drugs I gave myself the perfect cover. I’d bed girls but said things could only go so far because the drugs meant I couldn’t rise to the occasion.”

Wait a sec. Bed girls? (Aghast face) Actually, Andrew boasts that he has slept with about 100 women. And he say’s 20% of the women know of his, uh, deficiency. The other 80% were presumably too drunk or stoned to care.

How did he manage to bed all those girls when most men with complete anatomies don’t even come close to sleeping with a hundred women in their lifetime? Unapologetically, he claims it’s due to a combination of good looks, charm, and the gift of gab. So, as you probably suspected all along, a good tongue will make most women happy.

There you go. Andrew Wardle, the very definition of chutzpah.

This is one guy whose arm I’d like to shake, or on second thought, I’ll just salute him, thank you.

Twin-Twin Situation

A Texan woman had a Valentine’s Day surprise when she gave birth to four boys. Not quadruplets but two sets of twins. Identical at that. Tressa Montalvo, 36, of Houston, said she and husband Manuel, 43, have been going for a brother or sister for firstborn son Memphis for more than two years, but got substantially more than they bargained for.

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And they’re not stopping until they get a girl, according to Manuel. In a masterpiece of “you don’t have to tell us” news, online news agencies report that all four were born by Caesarean section on the same day. As if it’s likely for some to be delivered vaginally and others by C-section, and on different days at that. Two sets of identical twins happen when ova split twice before implanting in the uterus, and share two placentas.

What are the odds of that?!

Actually, scientists know. The odds of a woman giving birth to non-identical twins are one in 80. Identical twins are bit rarer, with odds of one in every 240 cases. However, two sets of identical twins happen only once every 70 million births. Multiply that by 365 if the birth has to happen on Valentine’s Day.

The lucky couple has named the four boys Ace, Blaine, Cash and Dylan. “We tried to stick to the A-B-C-D theme when naming them,” Tressa Montalvo said in a statement.

In related news, former Philippine president, former actor, now Manila mayoral candidate, and well-known womanizer, Joseph “Erap” Ejercito Estrada has admitted that he has three sets of firstborn sons. That he knows of.

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These three sons are Senator Jose “Jinggoy” Ejercito with wife, former First Lady and Senator Luisa Ejercito; congressman Joseph Victor Ejercito with First Mistress (and now San Juan City mayor) Guia Gomez; and Jojo Ejercito with former model Joy Rowena. “We tried to stick to the J-O theme when naming them,” Erap says.

Pope Benedict resigns! Hell freezes over!

Pope Benedict XVI announced that he is resigning as head of the Catholic Church. The 85-year-old pontiff cited age (too much) and physical strength (too little) as the reasons for giving up the papacy.

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The news was met with shock and disbelief from the faithful, since popes usually serve until they die (John Paul II), or are killed (John Paul I  – just kidding, lighten up non-conspiracy theorists). The last papal resignation occurred in the 15th century, as the joke goes, when Joseph Ratzinger was still in short pants.

Many leaders of the Vatican hierarchy were caught off guard, with Cardinal Angelo Sodano saying the announcement came “like a lightning bolt in a clear blue sky.” Coincidentally, a photo taken during a rainstorm the night of the announcement (February 11) showed just that (news item).

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In related news, Satan released photos of Hell when Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile, 89, resigned declared the post of senate president vacant during the height of the “Christmas bonus” scandal a few weeks ago.

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Senator Enrile, is of course, still Senate President at this time. When asked for comment about the Pope’s resignation, JPE reportedly said “Talaga? Bata pa yun ah!” (“Really? But he’s still young!”)

Dog Face

Cats seem to be lording it over the Internet these days, but this dog certainly went viral. Tonik, a Shih Tzu–poodle mix, avoided being put to sleep by having a face that to some, resembles a human.

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Because of his new found fame, Tonik has 350 people willing to pay $250 to adopt him. Homeward Bound (the dog halfway house where Tonik is being kept) owner Jen Schwartz, said that the dog was very reserved and might not be a good fit for families with children. Well, you would be shy too if you were a dog looking like a human.

Or not. This human who is a dog looks like a dog, is a very outgoing and popular child.

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The world’s hairiest girl (as certified by Guinness), 11-year old Supatra Sasuphan, is one of just 50 known sufferers of Ambras Syndrome. Other than thick hair growing on her face, back, arms and legs, the Thai seems like any child her age, enjoying swimming, dancing, TV, and playing with friends.

She is not up for adoption anytime soon.

Armstrong’s “one small step” explained

The BBC biopic “Neil Armstrong – First Man on the Moon, ” will be aired soon. In it, Neil’s snitch brother Dean Armstrong reveals that he was shown the famous quote some time before the astronaut left for the blast-off site. This destroys the illusion that Neil said the lines spontaneously upon stepping on the lunar surface for the first time.

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It is of course very reasonable to expect Armstrong to prepare well ahead for his historic first few words on the Moon. In his biography published in 2005, however, he said that the quote evolved over the course of the flight mission. He may clarify that by saying that the entire mission took months anyway (except that he’s dead now), so technically he was correct.

Coincidentally, a just published NASA-funded study revealed that astronauts exposed to Galactic Cosmic Radiation may develop Alzheimer’s disease. Highly charged iron particles in space, thrown off by exploding stars, pass through space ship walls and can hit the astronauts, causing the disease. Laboratory animals exposed to the space radiation developed forgetfulness, as well as the histopathologic markers of Alzheimer’s disease.

This may explain one of the most famous grammatical errors in history, when radio transmissions indicated that Armstrong uttered “That’s one small step for man.” Neil Armstrong has always maintained that he said it with an “a” before “man.” Dean confirmed in the biopic that the astronaut had really written “one small step for a man” when he originally showed him the quote.

In related news, Neil’s bum and drunkard snitch brother-in-law Dave Headweak, will soon reveal in the tabloids that the moon landing was faked and shot in a sound stage in Los Angeles.

A Gathering of Old Men (and New Year’s Eve milestones)

He survived the Mayan calendar changeover, but died on the Gregorian calendar New Year’s Eve. Fr. James B. Reuter, “The Great Communicator” and honorary Filipino (he was an American Jesuit), passed away at the age of 96 from stroke complications. Fr. Reuter is best known for his multimedia (TV, radio, theater and print) work. He had a hand in running the underground radio station “Radyo Bandido” during the last dark days of the Marcos regime. For his lifetime of work he has been given many prestigious awards.

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Sr. Sarah Manapol said she sang “Mary’s Child Forever” to him as he lay in his deathbed. Even when the nuns taking care of him thought he was unconscious, Reuter was said to have joined them one last time in their singing. During interviews with the press Manapol said, “I was singing to him… Mary’s child forever … forever Mary’s child … He was listening so beautifully. We became teary-eyed.”

Speaking of old men and New Year’s Eve milestones, it took two tries but Hugh Hefner, 86, is starting 2013 a married man. He wed his 26-year-old “runaway bride” Crystal Harris at a private ceremony in the Playboy mansion in Los Angeles. They were supposed to marry in 2011 but Crystal was not clear about the whole thing and broke off the engagement just days before the ceremony.

The 60-year age gap spawned the usual jokes: “He married her for her money,” “she married him for the sex,” etc. Comedian Ricky Gervais calls Hefner one of “The Walking Dead.” I call him a “walking Viagra commercial.”

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Hefner shed his iconic pajamas and wore a tuxedo for the short wedding rites, and forced the poor puppy to do the same.
There is no truth to the rumor that Harris sings “If You Leave Me Now” and “Time to Say Goodbye” to Hefner every night in their bed.

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