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It Aint’ Easy Being Green

According to Yahoo! News, a couple living in the small European country of Jersey (sic), married in a Shrek-themed wedding, green makeup and all.

And I was like “What? There is a European country named Jersey?”

Paul Bellas, 42, and Heidi Bellas, 30, got the idea while watching the movie with their son.

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shrek 2590102

“The essence is that Shrek represents true love. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you look like, if the love is there then that is what it is about,” says Paul.

I don’t know. I think you should say something like that only when you’re good-looking. Definitely not when you look like an emaciated/anorexic Shrek:

shrek 2590095

Or when you already look like Fiona (without the green skin) to begin with:

shrek 2590089

They should be thankful that their son Leo doesn’t look like either of them:

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Registrar Sue Groves said: “I had to see them before the got their make-up applied as I can’t marry people who aren’t recognisable.” She claims to have carried out many novelty weddings in her time.

Yes, I know. There are weirder things going on in New Jersey, but the couple is from Jersey (off the British Isles), which is arguably an independent state. They probably should have just named the place Far, Far Away.

Eagle Cybersex

In the movie “Continental Divide” a big city reporter (played by the late John Belushi) was trying to woo an eagle researcher (played by Blair Brown) by describing the mating rituals of the bald eagle while in flight in sexy, romantic detail.

birds - bald eagles mating

With the magic of the Internet, eagle voyeurs will now be able to view two Philippine Eagles (a highly endangered specie, formerly known as the monkey-eating eagle) getting it on, 24/7. Yeah baby!

philippine-eagle

A livestreaming project was launched today in Davao by the Philippine Eagle Foundation (PEF), in partnership with a local telecom provider and Ustream.tv

According to the PEF, the eagles are an “active breeding pair that hopefully will be able to produce an offspring during the 2013 breeding season.” Dennis Salvador, PEF executive director, said, “With this, we will be able to raise public awareness and this is the best time for our own specie to be known worldwide,” hopefully referring to the eagles.

In tech-speak “the streaming uses a pan–tilt–zoom (PTZ) camera that is capable of remote directional and zoom control, controller, microphone, and computer to capture, process, and unicast video stream to a service provider who broadcasts it across the internet,” said the telecom provider. In zoophile-speak this translates to “good eagle porn.” Voyeurs not only get to see eagle parts in action up close, they get to hear all the moans and groans too!

In related news, celebrity psychiatrist Randy Dellosa cautioned that the male eagle might develop performance anxiety if he finds out that the mating sessions are being shown live on the Internet. Also, photos of eagles doing it doggie-style were released by scientists today.

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Life of Pi, the first 1000 or so

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Fairly boring life, isn’t it?

LA County to vote on “Condoms in Porn” measure

Just to show that some Americans spend have too much time with in their hands, somebody came up with Ballot Measure B, which would require porn actors to wear condoms on set. Reaction was far from flaccid. Reports say that double the minimum number of signatures were gathered in order to put the measure to a vote. Supporters and detractors of the bill engaged in heated oral arguments.

Mouthing slogans like “No on B” and “Keep government out of my panties,” a sizable group of female porn workers gathered at a bar in Los Angeles County to protest the measure. As the joke goes, if they were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.

Workers in the adult film industry are going through great lengths to make their feelings known. The measure is arousing the ire, and getting a rise out of porn stars like James Deen and Jessica Drake (in photo above holding No on B poster), who starred in a satirical anti-Measure B advertisement. The video showed Deen and Drake depicting what porn would be like if the measure passed, with the actors wearing safety goggles and protective headgear while getting down to business.

measure b drake deen

Measure B could screw the industry financially. After some industry-related HIV infections in 1998, a “condom required” regulation was passed, which resulted in a 30% drop in porn industry revenues. Not surprisingly, the regulation was subsequently rescinded. Like an STD, responsibility for the measure was being passed on. AIDS Healthcare Foundation, which is heading the pro-condom movement, had the expected wooden response of the measure being necessary to protect the health and well-being of the actors.

One result of the measure is the hiring of new health inspectors, whose sole job would be to watch porn, while shooting live. On location. Potential applicants have already signed up, asking the county “What’s the catch?”

Porn is a billion-dollar industry in California, and employs as many as 10,000 people. Producers have threatened to pull it out of the state if the measure passed, as neighboring states have been flirting with the industry with come-ons such as providing tax breaks and erecting necessary infrastructure. California’s softening economy certainly needs the pumping up it gets from XXX videos.

Some in the industry feel that the government was shoving the measure down its throat. “You can’t force an industry to make products that the market doesn’t want,” moaned one producer.

Protests are expected to climax on October 21, the last day for voter registration, while voting is scheduled for November.

There you go, 20 or so double entendres.

Fried Green Tomatoes Redux. Recipe revealed!

In the movie Fried Green Tomatoes, an abusive husband was killed by his wife’s friend. The body was then chopped up and barbecued using another friend’s special recipe. It was even served to the police, who remarked how tender and tasty it was.

A scene reminiscent of the 1991 movie (with touches of Hannibal) played out in California this week. David Viens, chef and owner of Thyme Contemporary Café in Lomita, near Los Angeles, was convicted with manslaughter for the death of his wife. Viens tried to commit suicide by jumping off an 80-foot cliff, when he learned that police suspected him of foul play. He survived and told police that he didn’t intend to kill his wife. He apparently tied her up and taped her mouth shut after a fight, in order to stop her histrionics. He then went to sleep, and relates later that “I woke up. I panicked. She was hard.” Viens claims he decided to dispose of the body since he thought nobody would believe what happened.

The taped interview was gruesome, with details of the crime so horrific but given in a straightforward manner. To make it more palatable for you dear readers, here is the series of events as related by Viens himself, written in recipe version:

Stewed Wife ala Thyme Contemporary Café

Ingredients:

Wife, 105 lbs. Piece of cloth. Duct tape.

Procedure:

Tie hands and feet with duct tape. Stuff cloth in mouth then shut mouth closed with more duct tape.

Go to sleep. After a few hours, check if rigor mortis has set in.

Boil body for four days in 55-gallon drum. Let cool then strain out. Dispose of liquid in grease trap and put the rest in plastic bags.

Whatever happened to the legal adage “No body, no crime?”

Nabitin ba kayo sa Bourne Legacy?

After months of waiting, Bourne Legacy finally screened in Manila. And the reaction was, well, mixed. The haters immediately panned the lack of character development (this is an action movie, people, they don’t expect to win any Oscars, even for acting).

Many criticized the movie for showing only the seedier side of Manila. What were they expecting anyway? A gunfight in Greenbelt or Bonifacio High Street? There was even a call by some bloggers to mount a social media campaign to discourage people from watching the movie (ostensibly to avoid wasting time and money). Come on guys. You want to prevent people from watching a Hollywood blockbuster shot in Manila and seeing how the other half lives? Or that magnificent shot of Halong Bay at the end of the movie? You want them to miss the long, slam-bang, in-your-face, motorcycle and jeepney chase scene (or what is referred to as typical Manila traffic)? The director and producers were said to have been inspired by the drive from the airport to their hotel.

For the astute observer, the movie actually featured many of the popular tourist spots in the Philippines:

Tagaytay

Pagsanjan Falls

Cagayan de Oro River

Baguio

Tubbataha Reef

Mayon Volcano

A lot has been said about the abrupt ending. This may be because most Pinoys were expecting more action in Palawan. Really guys, were you really waiting for a banca chase in the Underground River? Or a tricycle chase in Puerto Princesa? Those who looked at their watches know that the movie ran for 137 minutes! If you were bitin it means you enjoyed the movie so much.

Even the notorious Terminal 3 of Ninoy Aquino International Airport got its well-deserved screen time. This is now a wildly popular Internet meme (the background action, just in case you missed it):

Airports. More fun in the Philippines!

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