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How to speak English like a Pinoy 3

More Pinoy-Englishisms:

“Represent”

I had to do a double-take the first time I heard this. Instead of saying “Present!” during roll calls, some Pinoys shout “Represent!,” apparently to indicate to everyone within hearing distance that he is not only representing the group being called, but is a total retard creative English speaker to boot.

“Convenient store”

Like the “7-11” stores being set up in every street corner for everyone’s convenience, this phrase is spreading like wildfire, to the utter consternation and inconvenience of grammar teachers nationwide.

“Don’t Get Closed To Me. Get Closed To God”

Image

Thank God these bumper stickers have all but disappeared. Some grammar Nazi must have seen the deliciously reversed meaning of the error and warned the printer to stop producing these masterpieces of irony. Might be the work of the devil himself.

“Let’s pray for the reposed of the decease”

Because of the excessive use of the past tense when not necessary (see Get Closed To God above), some Pinoys compensate by omitting the “d” when necessary.

“In fairness”

Joins “as if” and “worth it” as the Pinoy phrases that are incomplete, but are often used by themselves. In fairness to the ones using this, it sounds grammatically correct – for like 3 seconds. Typical usage, “Imperness, maganda siya.”

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Armstrong’s “one small step” explained

The BBC biopic “Neil Armstrong – First Man on the Moon, ” will be aired soon. In it, Neil’s snitch brother Dean Armstrong reveals that he was shown the famous quote some time before the astronaut left for the blast-off site. This destroys the illusion that Neil said the lines spontaneously upon stepping on the lunar surface for the first time.

Neil_Armstrong_Moon_Landing

It is of course very reasonable to expect Armstrong to prepare well ahead for his historic first few words on the Moon. In his biography published in 2005, however, he said that the quote evolved over the course of the flight mission. He may clarify that by saying that the entire mission took months anyway (except that he’s dead now), so technically he was correct.

Coincidentally, a just published NASA-funded study revealed that astronauts exposed to Galactic Cosmic Radiation may develop Alzheimer’s disease. Highly charged iron particles in space, thrown off by exploding stars, pass through space ship walls and can hit the astronauts, causing the disease. Laboratory animals exposed to the space radiation developed forgetfulness, as well as the histopathologic markers of Alzheimer’s disease.

This may explain one of the most famous grammatical errors in history, when radio transmissions indicated that Armstrong uttered “That’s one small step for man.” Neil Armstrong has always maintained that he said it with an “a” before “man.” Dean confirmed in the biopic that the astronaut had really written “one small step for a man” when he originally showed him the quote.

In related news, Neil’s bum and drunkard snitch brother-in-law Dave Headweak, will soon reveal in the tabloids that the moon landing was faked and shot in a sound stage in Los Angeles.

Miss Philippines is back-up Miss Universe 2012. Twitter goes wild!

philippines-janine-tugonon

Fresh from her first runner-up finish in the annual meat show called the Miss Universe beauty pageant, Miss Philippines Janine Tugonon returns to a hero’s welcome in Manila just before Christmas eve.

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Just imagine the adulation if she actually won the contest. Evidently, her famous “cobra walk” and answer during the interview portion was just short of worthy for the judges.

philippines-janine-tugonon interview

The near win, the first in 13 years after Miriam Quiambao in 1999, led to some nasty bashing of the winner Miss USA Olivia Culpo. Fashionistas had a field day criticizing the poor girl’s gown. Others had something snarky to say about her height (or lack thereof), finesse (or lack thereof) and mediocre response to the judge’s question.

2012-miss-universe-pageant-20121219-200035-038

And as a sad note on the state of journalism in the Philippines, these Twitter posts on Janine’s loss were unbelievably recycled into news. An entire news article  consisted entirely of jock tweets, by athletes I’ve never even heard of, and should probably have been kept anonymous. Examples follow:

janine jock tweet1

janine jock tweet2

“Through her off?” “Put Philippines on your back & represented?” Unless it’s a joke, who freaking cares what these retards (even including a suspended basketball player) think? Are they beauty experts and their opinions now qualify as news?

Well, considering that I saw at least three grammatical errors in one article alone written by a journalist (Manila Bulletin, what else), maybe they really ought to just limit their reporting to Twitter posts:

janine typo1

janine typo2

janine typo3

During her arrival press conference in Manila, Janine said that she “left everything to God.” Maybe if she made a pact instead with the devil, or with Miss Universe owner Donald Trump, or as some Trump haters would say “same difference,” she might actually have won.

trump-devil-apprentice

The governor of Bataan province, where she hails from, will host a ticker tape parade for her. As the racist gov says, “Bataan can very well compete with other races when it comes to beauty, brains, and strength of character.”

bataan race

We hear you gov. The Bataan race can definitely kick the Manila or Cebu races’ ass anytime.

Sinottong mga Kano

Reference notes for Senator Tito Sotto. Excerpts from famous American speeches plagiarized machine-translated (sort of). Thank you Google Translate!

Ronald Reagan

Pangkalahatang Kalihim Gorbachev, kung humingi ka ng kapayapaan, kung humingi ka ng kasaganaan para sa Sobiyet Union at Silangang Europa, kung humingi ka ng liberalisasyon: Halika dito sa tarangkahan na ito.
Ginoong Gorbachev, buksan ang tarangkahan.
Ginoong Gorbachev, pilasin ang pader na ito!

Abraham Lincoln

Apat na puntos at pitong taon na ang nakakaraan, ang aming mga ama ay nagdala sa kontinente na ito, ng isang bagong bansa, binuo sa kalayaan at nakatuon sa panukala na “lahat ng tao ay nilikha ng pantay-pantay.”

General Douglas MacArthur

Ang mundo ay nakaikot na ng maraming beses mula ng nanumpa ako sa kapatagan sa West Point, at ang pag-asa at mga pangarap ay matagal ng nawala, ngunit naaalala ko pa rin ang sikat na mga kanta sa kubo nung panahon na iyon kung saan prinoklama na “ang lumang mga sundalo ay hindi kailanman mamamatay; sila lang ay maglaho.”

Martin Luther King

Mayroon akong isang panaginip na isang araw ang bansa na ito ay babangon pataas at mabuhay ang tunay na kahulugan ng kanyang pananampalataya.

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Una sa lahat hayaan ninyo akong igiit ang aking matinding paniniwala na ang tanging bagay na kinatatakutan natin … ay takot mismo … hindi mailarawan, hindi mangatuwiran, hindi mapatotohanan na takot na malumpo ang kinakailangan pagsisikap upang ipalit ang paatras sa pagsulong.

More “How to speak English like a Pinoy”

As a follow up to the previous post on Pinoy-Englishisms

6. “In lieu”

In lieu of “in view” I’ve seen “in lieu” used a dozen times too many. As in, “My application in another company has been accepted. In lieu, I am submitting my resignation.” Ouch, resign already!

7. “Way back”

While not a grammatical error, many Pinoys tend to use “way back” even when referring to an event that happened just a few months ago. For instance, it’s September 2012 and somebody would say “I last spoke to him way back July 2012.” Way back when, you say “way back” when you’re a senior citizen and talking about your childhood.

8. “Actually”

“Actually” is commonly used to stress a point, or to sound more sophisticated. Actually, “actually” should be used to contradict someone. I often amuse myself when watching TV by counting how many times an interview guest says “actually” inappropriately. Good news. Usage of “actually” appears to have peaked (but not going down). Bad news. People now added “basically” and “technically” to the mix.

9. “Remains to be”

Another one of those phrases that smacks of pretentiousness. Instead of “remains” I’ve seen “remains to be” used everywhere, without the verb, resulting in an opposite meaning from what was intended, suggesting an aspirational rather than a factual situation. For instance, “English remains to be one of the most important languages in the Philippines.” It remains to be seen whether this usage trend will continue.

10. “Plain housewife”

As if “housewife” isn’t derogatory enough, considering what they actually contribute to the family, many Pinoys have to say “plain housewife.” As opposed to what? With almonds? Chocolate-dipped? Or Strawberry-filled?

Pinoy nurses win $1million in “English-only” suit

Sixty-nine Filipino nurses working at the Delano Regional Medical Center in California finally wins a case they filed against the hospital in 2010. The nurses were banned from speaking in Tagalog while on duty and were subjected to harassment. The hospital has an “English-only” policy, but apparently allows Spanish-speaking employees to speak in their native tongue. The $1million settlement will be divided equally among the workers. This may be the largest settlement for a workplace language discrimination case so far in the USA.

The case obviously stemmed from an anti-immigrant sentiment sweeping the country. It appears Americans want foreign-born workers to speak only impeccable American English, examples of which are as follows:

“Your in America. Speak English.”

“English is our language. No excetions. Learn it”

“Respect are-country. Speak English.”

“Make English America’s Offical Language.”

“This is America and our only Langguage is English.”

“Speak English or get the f*** out. Everyone has the right to be stupid BUTT your abusing that privilege.”

Was Jesus married?

{joke

Pope John Paul II dies and goes straight to heaven. He was met by St. Peter at the gates and was asked what he wanted to do first. JP2 says he wanted to read the Bible in the original language. St. Peter shows him to the library. After a few hours, St. Peter hears a loud cry of despair. St. Peter asks the pope, “What happened?” John Paul II cries out “The Bible says, celebrate! Not celibate!”

/joke}

Karen King, a Harvard professor of history of Christianity, claims to have discovered ancient text quoting Jesus explicitly referring to having a wife. The fragment of Coptic script, written on a fourth-century fragment of papyrus, was copied from a gospel written earlier. She said that the text, translated by a group of Coptic experts, contains a dialogue in which Jesus refers to “my wife.”

Christian tradition has long held that Jesus was unmarried, and is one reason priests in the Catholic Church must remain celibate and are not allowed to marry. The discovery, if it is validated, could have major implications for the Christian faith. It could also have implications for women’s roles in the church, as it would mean Jesus had a female disciple.

In related news, another piece of torn paper was discovered recently, which indicated that the “wife” being attributed to Jesus Christ might be none other than Mary Magdalene. It was also suggested in the text that He may have descendants in, get this, France. The piece of paper has been translated into 17 languages and has sold millions of copies (aside from being made into a movie).

 

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